Madame Web is atwo-hour trailerfor the movie you think youre watching, but actually arent.
You see, a prologue reveals Cassies mom died during childbirth while in the Amazon studying spiders.
Spiders that, if captured, could give people superhuman abilities and cure many diseases.
Image: Sony Pictures
Every night he wakes up to the same nightmare: three super-women teaming up to kill him.
So he makes it his lifes work to find the women and kill them before they get these powers.
Along the way, director S.J.
The four leads of Madame Web.Image: Sony Pictures
However, worthwhile narrative cohesion largely goes out the door as Madame Web gets increasingly monotonous.
Ezekiel finds the girls, conveniently all together.
Cassie has a vision and saves the girls.
Sydney Sweeney is great, but not in Madame Web.Image: Sony Pictures
The girls assume theyre safe and get caught again.
Cassie has another vision, etc., etc.
Thats repetitive on top of repetitive and it makes up the bulk of the movie.
Image: Sony Pictures
As for Sweeney, she just feels like shes in another movie.
Why did she mention martial arts?
Is she being honest about her family?
Her character and performance are a mess.
Plus, everything in Madame Web is so, so serious.
The biggest laughs are from awkwardly shoehorned product placements or awful, unintentionally funny dialogue.
(Three words: Ambulance through billboard.
Three more words: Condemned fireworks factory.)
Major questions will not be answered.
Huge reveals will remain a mystery.
The whole thing has sort of been a lie.
Its never bad enough to be enjoyable and its (obviously) never good enough to be memorable.
Madame Web is in theaters on Valentines Day.
We have no idea.
Theres not a shred of romance in the entire film.)
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