Make no mistake.Sonys latest attemptat a Spider-Man spinoff, Madame Web, is bad.
Pretty mucheverything about it is bad: the script, the acting, the cinematography, and more.
But, in our mind,one thing towers overthe rest.
This sure looks like an exciting movie.Image: Sony Pictures
The king of all things Bad-ame Web.
But, to talk about it, we have to dive into spoilers.
In his dream, which he has every night, he envisions three masked superheroes killing him.
Never happens.Screenshot: Sony Pictures
Ideally, hell track them down before they even get powers in the first place.
All of this is very silly and bad, but its merely set up for the worst part.
Itll probably be in the last scene of the movie, but surely itll happen.
Never happens.Screenshot: Sony Pictures
About halfway through the movie though, I started to get worried.
Things move very slowly.
The girls are hiding.
In the words of Frozone, “Where is my supersuit?”Image: Sony Pictures
The girls are scared.
The girls are saved.
At one point I thought Is this movie three hours long?
Because they have a lot more ground to cover.
How can the story Im watching possibly get to the point of these confused characters becoming awesome Spider-Women?
The answer is… it doesnt.
The women never become superheroes.
They never get powers.
They never put on supersuits.
In fact, they dont really change at all, except by becoming friends in the end.
Trailers, character posters, all of it is them in costumes.
The oddest thing about all this is that the movie keeps teasing it.
We keep seeing visions of the dream.
The entire plot is about stopping this event from happening.
Or theyll get the powers in some action triggered by being around her.
Maybe the rest will happen in Madame Web 2.
So basically, the movie is lying to you.
Its making you think these girls are going to get powers and become heroes, only they never do.
Which might have been okay if the film had anything else remotely satisfying happen but it does not.
That even extends to the title character.
Water wouldve doused the firework, by the way.
In the end, I was disappointed that Madame Web was bad.
So I can get over it being bad.
Which is a shame because its a movie Id like to see.
Unfortunately, its a movie I thought I was already seeing.
Want more io9 news?
News from the future, delivered to your present.
